


Ephemeral Heart

by ahjummarin



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bitter Story, Bitter ending, Blow Jobs, Consensual Underage Sex, Drama, M/M, Smut, Violence, Violent Scenes, descriptions of violence, domestic abuse, why is it so difficult to tag?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 02:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13331688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahjummarin/pseuds/ahjummarin
Summary: It had been 24 years since that day. Hoseok begged to forget, Hyungwon wished for a second chance.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people of ao3!! 
> 
> It's my first time posting here! Comments are welcomed and very much appreciated! 
> 
> (It's also my first time writing a Hyungwonho fanfic... Aaaaaand english is not my native language, so excuse the mistakes you'll find along the way!)
> 
> Thank you!! \\(^O^)/

It was strange seeing these woods wearing white. He never believed he would experience this. The bus unhurriedly glided through the dirt road giving Hoseok some time to admire the snow falling on the leaves and covering them.

 

He had last visited this place a lifetime ago. He had to ask the bus driver how to get off to the village, having no recollection of the road and houses.

 

His brother waited for him in the bus stop and nodded when Hoseok got off the bus. They walked to their grandmother’s house in an uncomfortable silence, yet it was better than the uneasy stares of his other relatives. No one greeted him, no one had the politeness to avert their pricking gaze from him. Hoseok dropped his eyes and sat in a corner looking at everyone drinking their tea. No one offered anything to him.

 

Few minutes after his arrival, his father got in the room and showed him where to go.

 

“Why are you dressed like this? Where’s your cassock?” he asked looking at Hoseok’s formal attire.

 

“It would raise so many unnecessary comments and I do not want to cause a commotion again, after so many years.” Hoseok replied with a small voice.

 

“Everyone in this family knows you’re a priest. It is the thing that saved you!” Hoseok couldn’t find anything to reply. His father sighed, “You ask for forgiveness and you’re out of here!” Hoseok nodded faintly, not really looking at him. “Understood?” his father threatened him making his grip at his son’s wrist tighter.

 

“Yes!” Hoseok whispered.

 

He silently paid his respects to the dead and asked for forgiveness out loud, making sure everyone heard him.

 

Everyone said that Hoseok was the one causing his grandmother the biggest pain she had to overcome throughout her life, that’s why his father dragged him in that village all the way from Seoul just for a few seconds. The family had to see that Hoseok was not a sick homosexual anymore, but a respectful person that had atoned for his sins.

 

He asked his brother to show him the way to the bus stop. He knew he would be lost, “I just picked you up from there! You should know where it is.” his brother protested.

 

“I don’t remember my way around.” Hoseok said.

 

“Don’t you see I’m busy?” his brother said angrily while holding his baby son’s bottle, “I’m feeding the kid.”

 

“I’ve got no one else to ask…” Hoseok’s voice trembled.

 

“You’re such a pain in the ass, Hoseok!”

 

 

He walked his older brother to the stop in a much slower pace than before, “I heard from father that you’re leaving the country!”

 

Hoseok nodded even though he knew that his brother was not looking at him.

 

“Where to?” he said when he realized his brother had already answered.

 

“Australia.”

 

“Have you found a job?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Don’t bring shame to our family again!” he said after showing him the stop at the end of the road.

 

“I’m sorry” Hoseok whispered.

 

“ Never mind. I’ve heard this countless of times…”

 

He did not believe he was bringing any shame to his family and he would never apologize for his penchant in men. Not even 23 good years inside church made him change his mind. He knew he was responsible for his brother’s outcome. For that, he really did feel guilty.

 

His brother was exceptionally smart and had lots of aspirations and dreams. He aimed to be a doctor. But ever since Hoseok was forced to the religious life, someone had to pass on the family name causing his brother to marry young and see his dreams getting wrecked by the responsibilities of an adult.

 

Hoseok was left alone out in the cold. The bus would not come for three more hours but he had nowhere to stay. There were no restaurants, not even super markets in this area. He wondered whether he would get sooner to the closest civilized place on foot, but it seemed unlikely.

 

The place seemed more and more familiar as Hoseok looked around. The stop was placed in the middle of a vast road, isolating the habitats of the villages around it from the rest of the country. The maps had forgotten of their existence as the people where oblivious to the fact the rest of the society had moved on.

 

He closed his eyes averting his mind from the memories. Several images made their appearance though. Images he fought to forget, images that haunted him. These memories were restricted at the very back of his mind for years; he struggled to keep them there with no success.

 

_“Nothing good has ever happened in this village. Looking back in the past will only make you bitter.”_ he warned himself but it was as if the memories leaked and burst in his mind.

 

All those summer holidays of his childhood full of laughter warmed him up. It had been ages since he last felt something similar to that. Life had been a little too harsh on him lately.

 

He decided to take a walk around since freezing to death was not the brightest of ideas. He knew he would regret it, he knew he would meet people he really did not want to but there was not much to do anyway.

 

His legs followed a strangely familiar route and led him next to a sad lake. Suddenly he found himself almost three decades back!

 

 

_Hoseok’s hair was shaved by his grandmother. Talking back to her was a common thing but the woman had no patience and her hands hurt from beating him the previous day. Shaving his hair was the best solution in that case. He left his grandmother’s yard and walked down the street scaring off a couple of hens by kicking tiny gravels to their place. He had been going through hell in school because of his shaved head. He did not like the way he look as well, his head had an uneven bump at the back and he could feel everyone staring, he felt ashamed._

_It was the second time his family had sent him to spend his summer holidays there. They promised that this time he would remain there until the very last day, since he had been insufferable through the year. His grandmother was the only person that would make him behave a little. His mother and father were always busy working and no one had the patience to teach him how to be proper._

_He would often cause fights at school so his parents decided to send him there. There was no school near the village, otherwise he would be confined there for the rest of the year as well!_

_He decided not to return to his grandmother’s house and take the bus to go back home in the city. He would need some money and six hours of travelling but he could not stand that huge, angry lady anymore._

_His attention span was easily disturbed though and on his way to the bus stop he decided to follow three neighbor kids that were on their way to the lake to throw some gravels._

_The village consisted of a dozen of houses, and the people there were very poor. But the poorest family of them all was the Chae family. They did not even have the comfort of electricity. Hoseok’s grandmother always noted how poor they were and how sick their mother was._

_Without thinking about it, he walked slowly to their place and sat next to the lanky boy who was closer to his age. The three kids smiled at him and suggested he joined them. Hoseok was not familiar with them but he bet they were nice._

_For the first time since he came he felt happy inside that village._

_Hoseok came to fancy their company and he soon forgot his escape plan. He specifically liked the youngest of the three kids best, his name was Hyungwon. He was a quiet fella who showed Hoseok how to throw gravels properly._

 

_That was the first time he met Hyungwon. They were eight._

_He continued seeing him every year for two whole months since he never stopped being a bad boy in school and a bad student._ _He could not be good though. If he were good they wouldn’t send him to his grandmother’s village. If he were good he would not be able to see Hyungwon._

_Hyungwon became the biggest summer pleasure. Hoseok found in him the best friend he had always been dreaming of. Even though Hyungwon was growing up in that forgotten, sad place and was working in the farm ever since he became six years old, he had so many things to share with Hoseok. They would talk about dreams and how harsh country people were. They would talk about animals and plants. Hoseok would tell him stories of the city and read some literature to him._

_They would give the most unreasonable and childish promises to one another to keep their hopes up for a happy life._

_Hyungwon would also say how terrified he was of a future in that place._

_When Hoseok started tasting puberty and making his first steps to the world of people without his protective bubble, he realized that something strange happened every time he mentioned Hyungwon’s name. Hoseok would_ _feel like a part of his soul was drifting away every time he let that name escape his lips. His throat ached while mumbling it, making it dry._

_When he wasn’t in the village his fingers searched in the air aching to touch that tall kid’s skin. Hoseok longed for his hand to be lost in the boy’s hair ruffling it. Hoseok missed the moments next to lake with the confessions of their innocent secrets and their impossible dreams. Hoseok wished summer vacations would last longer, more than ever. Hoseok wished his grandmother would never, ever die and keep him in that hell house of hers forever. Hoseok wished he could be with Hyungwon forever._

 

These were sweet memories but then Hoseok remembered of one certain grim event…

 

 

_The villagers were all there with the exception of his and Hyungwon’s family. Hoseok clenched his fists trying to hold back all the rage that was_ _accumulated_ _inside of him. He would not give them yet another excuse to talk ill of him._

_But then he saw Hyungwon’s father dragging his son by his long slender arm. His face was all swollen up, mud and blood stained his light blue t-shirt, his cheap pants were more ripped than the last time Hoseok had seen them._

_There was a quiet persistent mumbling from the villagers that made Hoseok more furious. He felt his head banging from the inside. He gave him a lethal look and made his way to Hyungwon’s father as he dropped his son on the ground._

_The older man grabbed Hoseok from his hair as the boy threw a brave fist to his cheek screaming. The man dropped him on the ground more forcefully than he did on his son and kicked his gut so hard that caused Hoseok to lose his breath._

_“This kid here is sick! This is what it means to come from the big cities! They fill their minds and bodies with toxic! My son had no consent to this!” he said loud and steady, “Hyungwon, tell them what happened!”_

_Everyone’s stare was nailed on that frail boy that was still confined on the ground. His throat was dry, he could not utter a single word._

_No, he could not face them. He could not lie for a second time. He knew it, he had made a grave mistake!_ “Can this be over now? Please! Please spare me!”

_He lifted his gaze stealthily only to meet Hoseok’s watered eyes “What did you tell him?”, Hyungwon could almost hear him say…_ “Please forgive me… Forgive me… Forgive me, oh God!” _he burst into tears._

_“He raped me…” his voice was small, smaller than he had intended it to be._

_“Louder son!” his father shouted, “No one heard you!”_

_No one but Hoseok, whose heart dropped on the ground with a loud thud; whose blood ran cold in his veins. Hoseok, who suddenly lost everything he cherished, everything he believed that was true._

_“He raped me…” Hyungwon was terrified._

_Everyone gasped. Everyone was now looking at Hoseok._

_“This boy here,” Hyungwon’s father pointed the dumbfounded boy on the ground, “dragged my poor son in the shack and raped him! Have you ever thought of something more sick than this?”_

_The ‘no’ from the crowd sounded like it was coming from a choir. The mumbling was now louder and angrier._

_“This is true! When I found them, Hyungwon was crying!” a tall, skinny woman said with a screech._

_Hoseok could not lift his eyes. He could not speak and defend himself. There was no room for words, not now that everything seemed so fake, so unrealistic._

“Could it be just a nightmare?”

_A violent kick met his body again sending him further away from Hyungwon, that boy who became a stranger in a matter of seconds._

“I thought you would protect me…”

_As the crowd got closer, ready to attack him, Hoseok found the strength to get up and start running. He did not know that someone could get up after losing his whole world. Yet he ran as fast as he could, leaving everything behind, the violence and the loud noises, his belongings, his Hyungwon… He ran away while some few brave young villagers chased after him, shouting offensive words._

_He could not hear them though as Hyungwon’s lies still echoed in his mind, “He raped me!”_

 

He was abruptly brought back to reality by the loud noises a pack of ducks made. He stared at the lake’s water, which was dirty and polluted; Hoseok remembered how clean it was back in the day. How he and Hyungwon stayed until midnight to float on the water and look at the stars, how excited they were when they would see a falling star, how they wished they could escape their pitiful lives.

 

And suddenly he saw him there. Hyungwon had not aged a day since the last time he saw him. The boy sat next to the lake throwing gravels gently. Eventually he got bored and got up.

 

_“It’s been 23 years, there’s no way it’s him and I know it’s a memory.”_ Hoseok thought.

He suddenly realized that that boy had grown up and he was not a kid anymore. The image of a married Hyungwon with a family settled as a fact in Hoseok’s mind. He did not know what kind of strange thought made him believe that Hyungwon would not continue his life. Maybe he secretly wished for things to go back to that innocent summer holidays. Hyungwon’s life was probably no summer holiday though. Hyungwon was living in the village and Hoseok doubted he had escape from it, what other choices remained for him other than marrying?

 

Hoseok followed the kid, who was now fast pacing towards the haunted playard. There was a scrawny man there who welcomed the kid with open arms. Hoseok stared at them feeling awkward to invade in such a personal moment. He was about to leave but the man’s gasp stopped him.

 

Hadn’t the man acted as if he had seen a ghost, Hoseok would not even think that he knew him. After a few torturing seconds Hoseok recognized him, just because of that little kid who tried to hide behind his father.

 

The kid reminded him of _that Hyungwon_ he once knew more than the lanky man in front of him. His limbs were hanging dangerously from his body. His eyes were two big bulbs almost prominent to his nose. His cheeks were sucked in, but his distinctive, oddly shaped lips remained full.

 

“Hoseok…” a strangely hoarse voice spoke.

 

“Hyungwon?” Hoseok whispered carefully.

 

“Why are you here?” the man asked with a shaking voice.

 

After a couple of silent seconds he decided to answer, “My grandmother died…”

 

There was a silence again for some long minutes, not because there was nothing to be said but for the opposite reason. There were so many questions both men had to ask each other; so many news to share with one another.

 

_“What should I say? Do I even know him anymore? This is a completely different person in front of me…”_

“You haven’t changed, Hoseok!” Hyungwon finally said, “I mean … Apart from the fact that you are 23 years older, you… You have not changed…”

 

_“Oh believe me, I have…”_

“I wish I could say the same for you.” Hoseok said, “I see you have a family now…”

 

“There are not lots of other hobbies to do, for us that live in this place.” Hyungwon almost smiled.

 

Hoseok gave an uneasy, fake laugh and stared at the kid, “What is you name, lil’ guy?” he smiled.

 

The kid shied away and ran out of the playground. “He is not very social!” Hyungwon confessed, “I am very startled to see you here, Hoseok.”

 

“Yes. I would be as well.”

 

He was aware that he was very rude cutting off every conversation Hyungwon tried so hard to start, but he was not really sure if he wanted to talk to him.

 

“Where have you been, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked.

 

“Around…” Hoseok bit his lip, “I mean… Not around here… But … Ah…” he sighed, “I am not sure if we should talk…”

 

Hyungwon snorted, “I doubt anyone remembers you anymore, Hoseok.”

 

“Can you stop saying my name at the end of every sentence?” Hoseok said irritated.

 

Hyungwon stared at him dumbfounded. He did not know how he longed for an excuse to say his name, “Why? I need to make myself believe that this is real.”

 

Hoseok groaned, “Stop…”

 

“Really now… Why did you return here?”

 

“I told you, my grandmother died!”

 

“You hated your grandmother.”

 

“It’s not changing the fact that I should pay respects to the dead.”

 

Yet another uncomfortable silence occurred “Can we talk seriously?” Hyungwon said.

 

“What about?”

 

“You were out of reach for so many years!”

 

“Oh, _you_ made sure of that, Hyungwon!”

 

Hyungwon stared at him lost, “How can you say that? This is awful!”

 

“It isn’t. When I managed to leave this village my parents sent me away. Even if I wanted to I would not be able to return here. But of course I wouldn’t because every single villager wanted to murder me!”

 

“This is not true!” Hyungwon protested.

 

“It is! Except if in the meantime you finally confessed the truth to everyone!”

 

Hyungwon lowered his gaze, “I could not fix that part and you know that.”

 

“Ah, actually what are we even talking about? I barely remember that day… I barely remember you.”

 

“That hurt…” Hyungwon cried out.

 

“It really is true though. I am not the person you once knew and I am pretty sure you’re not someone I acquaintance with either! So long then!”

 

“Wait!” Hyungwon exclaimed, “Please, talk to me!”

 

“Okay, what do you want to know? I’ll give you this because I am aching to know the reason why you lied that day.”

 

“You know why I lied, I am so easy to figure. What I don't get is why you never came back here, even stealthily. I’ve been miserable… It has been a hard life!”

 

Hoseok did not reply he stood there fighting back the urge to start nagging about his own life. He would not give this satisfaction to anyone though.

 

“My father died seven years ago.” Hyungwon said realizing that Hoseok would not initiate any conversation.

 

“Good for him!”

 

“All this time I’ve just been watching my wife giving birth to kids. I have been working in the nearest farm… What have you done during these years?”

 

“Nothing much. It has been quiet for a long time!”

 

“This is ideal. Are you happy? Have you met anyone?”

 

“No…” Hoseok avoided his gaze.

 

“Please talk to me. I feel like I’ve done something wrong.”

 

“Wait, so you thing that everything is my fault. Have you ever not thought that you did something wrong?”

 

“I know I made a huge mistake but I also know that you’ve grown up and forgave that little 14 year old who lied trying to avoid his father’s beating.”

 

“Fair enough, and then you should forgive the other teenager that never came to your rescue because he had been betrayed, hurt and also afraid for his life.”

 

Hyungwon’s eyes started spilling tears, “Do you know what kind of life I had here? Do you know how many nights I stayed up waiting for you to come and save me? Do you know how meaningless every day was here? Everyone saw a broken, half crazy boy in me… And at some point, I saw him too… I broke I lost all hope and belief in what we had, yet I still love you more than words can express…”

 

“Why did you wait for me?”

 

“Because you had promised!” Hyungwon shouted.

 

“You did not have the strength to say the truth to your father but you expected from me to come back to a village full of people that wanted to kill me and pick you up? I was 14 years old as well… I was broken as well…” Hoseok chuckled, “What are we even talking about? You are 37 years old and you still believe in a promise we gave as teenagers? You should move on and grow up. You’ve got kids to raise, damn it.”

 

“You were suppose to protect me back then…”

 

“Oh, and you weren’t?”

 

“It’s not the same… I am the weak one, the one that cannot take initiative, the one that cannot survive on his own…”

 

Hoseok gave him a grim look, “This is sad, Hyungwon. This is why you live like this…”

 

“I live like this because you did not love me enough to come back here and take me with you!”

 

Hoseok wanted to slap him. His hand was almost aching. But then he thought of all the physical punishment people had given to Hyungwon and he decided not to be one of them, “If only you could listen to yourself…” he finally said, “Have you ever thought about what happened to me? And I am not talking about what my parents and family did to me, I am talking about the aftereffects of what you had said.”

 

There was silence for a moment.

 

“At some point of my life I actually believed I had raped you. Images and memories were mixed but when ten years passed I could not have the initial ones. Words and nightmares became a part of reality and the thought of hurting you was more reasonable than making love to you…”

 

“No… You did not hurt me in that way…”

 

“Yet you still lied to everybody…”

 

“I had no other choice, Hoseok!”

 

“You really did have, you just decided to limit yourself to the easiest one.”

 

Hyungwon started sobbing. Hoseok’s words truly hurt, “Why are you so cruel?”

 

“Because I’ve experienced life. Because I grew up!”

 

Hyungwon’s breath became an unstable thing and he quickly dropped to his knees throwing punches to his chest. His cry was louder now. He clenched his fist around his shirt and coughed.

 

Hoseok observed him with a sad expression; he knew he could not help him at this point. Hyungwon could not even help himself at this point.

 

“Since you’ve figure everything out… Since every detail about life is crystal clear to you… Tell me…” he caught his breath, “Tell me where have I gone wrong?”

 

_“Where have you even got right, Hyungwon?”_ Hoseok thought, but he kept it him to himself because some truths are better kept secret. Some truths are not for everybody.

 

“I am not the one to tell you about your mistakes, I’ve done countless myself.”

 

“Was I one of them?”

 

_“Maybe.”_ Hoseok looked at him with a sealed mouth.

 

Hyungwon let out an animal like sound and shut his eyes. This was more than his frail soul could handle.

 

Hoseok looked at his watch and got up started walking away. When Hyungwon realized he was leaving him he ran to him.

 

“Make love to me!” Hyungwon shouted.

 

“No!” Hoseok expected this to happen. He had prepared himself.

 

“Make love to me!” Hyungwon insisted.

 

“I won’t!” Hoseok turned his back and took a few tentative steps creating a safe distance between himself and Hyungwon.

 

“I said, make… Make…” Hyungwon lost his voice between his sobs.

 

“Don’t do this to yourself!” Hoseok said loud enough for the other man to hear.

 

Yet Hyungwon strode to him, suddenly facing him and cupping Hoseok’s cheeks, closing his eyes and making their lips meet. Hoseok gave a cry because he could not bring himself to stop or dislodge the other man from him. He gave in few minutes and brought his hands to Hyungwon’s waist, he took over the kiss, caging the other’s upper lip between his and gluing their bodies together.

 

It seemed as they had turned back in time.

_They are fourteen again hiding in the shack behind the oak trees giving shy looks to each other. Hoseok reassures Hyungwon that it’s okay, it might hurt but it really is okay. Hoseok takes the other’s fingers and tangles them with his own as their lips collide in the softest kiss possible._

_“I can hear your heart beating all the way up from here!” Hoseok smiles and moves Hyungwon’s hand to his chest, “So does mine. I am as nervous as you are! We can take our time, we can even postpone it.”_

_“I want to do this now.” Hyungwon whispers and drops his head on Hoseok’s shoulder kissing his neck tenderly._

_Hoseok removes his clothes in slow movements, allowing Hyungwon to settle in and mimic him. Hyungwon’s body shakes hard, Hoseok is clueless whether it is from the cold or the nervousness. He extends his arm cupping the back of the taller boy’s head giving him a slow wet kiss, when he makes sure the other is not backing off, he moves his lips to the other’s chin and then to his neck and then to his chest and then to his stomach, leaving a trail of sweet scent behind him._

_Hyungwon doesn’t know what to do with himself, with his hands, with his body. He doesn’t know if he’s allowed to make these sounds that escape his mouth. He stares at the top of Hoseok’s head, who is now on his knees licking Hyungwon’s erected member._

_He shuts his eyes and fights hard not to scream for pleasure. Hoseok’s tongue is hot and the inside of his mouth tight around Hyungwon’s member. Few seconds go by, when Hoseok stops bobbing his head and lifts it to meet the other’s eyes._

_“Is this strange?” he asks._

_“It is.” Hyungwon replies._

_“Do you dislike it?”_

_“I don’t know…”_

_Hoseok gets up and gives Hyungwon a big hug. His shoulders are no longer exposed to the raw cold, he feels Hoseok’s breath hitting his nape. He snuggles his nose in his hair showing him that he doesn’t need to stop._

_Hoseok gives him a kiss, “Do you want to do it?”_

_Hyungwon lowers himself unsure. He opens his mouth, taking all of Hoseok clumsily. The other boy makes an almost silent cry and Hyungwon bursts in tears._

_“It’s okay… It’s okay, Hyungwon!” Hoseok kneels next to him._

_“I don’t want to do it!” Hyungwon whimpers._

_“You don’t have to!”_

_“Please don’t stop though…”_

_Hoseok presses his hand on Hyungwon’s chest, slowly laying him on the ground. He remains next to him and giving him a hard kiss. His wet fingers slide inside Hyungwon slowly and the other gives a whimper but presses Hoseok on him. They continue like this for a few minutes before Hoseok moves his body between Hyungwon’s legs. The kiss is now a wet mess and Hyungwon’s hand has a handful of Hoseok’s hairs. Hoseok decides it’s a good time to start so he breaks the kiss and nods to Hyungwon. After taking the permission he slowly enters him._

_The raw pain is worse than Hyungwon had imagined. His eyes water as he begs Hoseok to stop. Hoseok reassures him that everything is all right and he kisses the boy._

_“It hurts…” Hyungwon whispers._

_Hoseok moves a bit further but hears the other’s cry. Maybe they’re not ready yet._

_Hyungwon’s teeth bite his lips hard and he stares at Hoseok on the top of him with a complaint spread over his face._

_Hoseok is ready to apologize when they hear a high-pitched screech from a very close distance._

_There’s really nothing to do as they’re caught red handed. Hoseok finds himself unable to move while Hyungwon panics and jumps at the end of room in search of his clothes._

_Hoseok looks at him thinking whether they can get out of this situation unscathed._

 

 

Hoseok breaks the kiss, “We cannot be caught again!”

 

“Then lets go to the shack.” Hyungwon says.

 

“No!”

 

“I’ve been waiting for you all these years. I’ve been waiting for this!”

 

“I haven’t though. It really is over Hyungwon. It’s been 23 torturing years. This happened a lifetime ago.”

 

“No, we can still escape together. We can take the bus and leave!”

 

Hoseok shakes his head, “No” he whispers.

 

“Please! I can’t go back to that house with a stranger’s kids! Hoseok save me!”

 

“Hyungwon…”

 

“She is fucking my brother, Hoseok! Those kids are my brother’s! Only one is mine! Hoseok please… Save me!” Hyungwon was a crying mess.

 

“I am a priest now, Hyungwon… and I am leaving to Australia tomorrow…” Hoseok said.

 

Hyungwon took a step back hurt. His world started falling apart in slow motion, “No…”

 

“I have been living in a monastery all these years. My parents had me locked up. I cannot escape this kind of life now.”

 

“No…” Hyungwon screamed, “You can leave it all behind again, please…”

 

“I don’t want to …”

 

He started walking towards the bus stop, as it was time for the bus to arrive. Hyungwon dropped himself on the ground screaming. Hoseok fought the urge to turn back and hide Hyungwon in his arms. He allowed few tears to escape his eyes as his voice was caught in his throat. Little whimpers squeezed their way out but Hyungwon was not able to hear them.

 

He was now lost in that endless stream of nothingness for once again, with his last hope snatched violently out his arm reach.

 

“How am I supposed to live?” he screamed his lungs out.

 

Hoseok started running as fast as he could, seeing the bus approaching him. He sat at the back still shaking.

 

The image was familiar. The boy with his limbs spread out on the ground sobbed. Hoseok wished him a nice life.


	2. Chapter 2

His legs were shaking; his knees were hitting each other in a rhythmic way. He did not want to go back home but he knew that sooner or later his father would come out and beat him to death. He would not be able to survive this one.

 

He looked at Hoseok, “Let’s run…” he begged him, “If we don’t they’ll kill me!”

 

Hoseok looked around terrified. Hyungwon stared at him puzzled, _“Is he afraid as well?”_ How could that be? Hoseok was so strong and mature, how could he be afraid of grown up men? He could beat them up if he set his mind into it.

 

“Hoseok, let’s run away… Let’s go now!” he cried.

 

“It’s not as easy as it sounds…” Hoseok bit his lip, “We don’t have money for the bus and we can’t go to my home. My parents will hear about this before we get there and they’ll be the ones that will kill us.”

 

“Forget it! Do we really need money? I’ve lived all my life eating wet bread in order not to starve. We can survive as long as we leave this place!”

 

It took a couple of seconds for Hoseok to actually process what Hyungwon said, “Where will we go?”

 

“Anywhere!” Hyungwon sobbed, “Please… Just please tell me that we’re not staying here!”

 

Hoseok grabbed the other’s hand determined and started walking behind the oak trees, “We will walk for hours and we will have to be quick about it… I’m pretty sure my uncles and your family will hear about it soon!”

 

A wave of euphoria hit Hyungwon and he gave him a wide smile, “Thank you” he whispered.

 

They did not make it far, as Hyungwon’s oldest brother spotted them, “Where d’ you think you’re going, you lil’ shit?” he said grabbing a fistful of Hyungwon’s hair and pulling him back.

 

Hoseok was quick on his feet, he attacked Hyungwon’s oldest brother, shoving him on the ground with him and throwing some clumsy punches in the older boy’s face. A kick in the shins was more than enough to make him lose his breath though. Hoseok hugged his body in pain letting out a horrible groan. He tasted the damp mud as the other boy pushed his face on the ground with his foot. He felt a spit landing on his nape and another kick in his back.

 

He could hear Hyungwon’s sobs and he knew he could not help him. He closed his eyes letting the pain settle in. They had lost without even fighting.

 

 

Hyungwon was dragged all the way from the oak trees to his house. He was a crying, shaking mess. He begged his brother to let him go, “Father will kill me, please let me go!” he screamed trying to get on his feet but his brother was using too much force on him causing him to stumble in every other step.

 

“What d’ you think I wanna do with you?” he said throwing a good punch to Hyungwon’s head.

 

Hyungwon could not win in the game of physical strength between practically anyone. He did not want to give in, he wanted to fight, but he was very well aware that it would be futile.

 

When they were finally at home Hyungwon’s arm was numb from his brother’s tight grip and his pants almost completely ripped from the hauling. His tender fists gave few weak punches to his brother’s waist in attempt to escape, the other boy did not even flinch.

 

When he met his father’s gaze, who was waiting for them in the yard, he knew everything was over. He felt nauseous knowing that that lethal stare was targeted at him.

 

“Please…” he mumbled protecting his head with his arms as much as he could.

 

When he felt that raw kick in his rib, which almost sent him to unconsciousness, he remembered of a boy who was left behind the oak trees. Would that boy escape without him?

 

Hyungwon remembered of that old dog they had when he was five years old and it was unable to watch for their sheep so his father kicked and hit it with all his might until it died. He remembered his father’s furious eyes that were in flames. How he shouted and destroyed everything that day. The hard slap he had given to Hyungwon for petting that tiny kitty in front of the door. He remembered the dog’s cries and how his father’s boots collided with its frail body.

 

He knew that if someone were looking at them he would resemble the dog. Animal like sounds escaped his mouth as he felt his bones snatching and his body getting squeezed.

 

He caught a glimpse of his sister’s nervous stare. She was six and she was the kindest and most terrified person Hyungwon ever met. She was trembling and sobbing in her amputated teddy bear. Hyungwon wanted to tell her that he would really try to protect her, because pure souls like hers could not handle the world’s cruelty.

 

He was off guard when his father kicked his mouth hard and Hyungwon found himself quite a few meters away from his original spot. He wailed as the kicking never stopped, a new pair of feet got in the game.

 

His brother howled him up, snatching away Hyungwon’s hairs. His father threw a punch in his stomach causing Hyungwon to throw up whatever he had eaten the previous day.

 

They beat and kicked him without giving him a moment to breathe. Soon he received yet another kick in his head and he lost consciousness. It did not stop his father and brother as they continued violently venting their anger on him.

 

_Hoseok would tell him stories about happy families and siblings that cherished each other, about fathers sacrificing themselves for their kids, about mothers escaping their pitiful lives in order for their drunk husband to stop beating their kids. With this kind of stories Hyungwon really did grasp the meaning of fiction, because these situations felt completely unreasonable to him._

_Hoseok gave him the world, Hoseok would patiently teach him how to read and write, he would sneak tiny books in his house, he would read to him the most magical tales. With him, Hyungwon would see that life was not just something you had to endure along with everything else. Life was something you grasped real hard and enjoyed. Life was happiness and adventure. Life was not just a meaningless state in which you remained idle allowing blows to hit you and leave you broken._

_Hoseok was his life._

Hyungwon’s family believed him to be almost mute as the situations in which he uttered words were as rare as the happiness one could find in their household. A child, who grows up in a violent house and hasn’t experience a sparkle of love since birth, does not feel comfortable to express his thoughts.

 

Hyungwon could count the times he talked to his father in his fingers. He was actually terrified of him and he caught himself forgetting the man’s face as the thought of meeting his gaze made him wet his pants.

 

“Please stop!” Hyungwon said as loud and clear as he could.

 

“D’ you know what kind of things people say about us?” his father did not bother to stop the punches.

 

Hyungwon’s mind was on fire. He had to figure something out that would make them stop and give him a chance to slip away from their hands and ran away. He had to make them stop because his body could not handle more violence.

 

“He raped me!” he shouted the atrocious lie that had been nibbling his mind.

 

_He remembered the stories Hoseok would talk about, stories of the people that lived in the city. Everyday stuff would seem so fascinating to Hyungwon. Hoseok taught him things about society, not that Hyungwon would ever experience it, but he still talked about every single detail and Hyungwon would feel, even for a moment, that he was a part of that world._

 

“He raped me!” Hyungwon shouted again when his father and brother stopped beating him, “I did not want to!” he shook his head still sobbing.

 

“This will do! Let’s go announce it. I am not allowing anyone see how sick you are…” his father said grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the yard.

 

Hyungwon was puzzled. He had thought of another outcome! His father should have released his hold and talk to Hyungwon. He should ask him questions and comfort him. That’s what people did to Hoseok’s aunt when that man had raped her. No one had dragged Hoseok’s aunt to the center of the village, no one kicked at her, no one made her face strangers and tell them what happened to her. They took care of her and comforted her, they let her alone to calm herself down.

 

Hyungwon knew his father was not like the people that lived in the city but Hoseok had explained to him what rape was and how awful it was. People may not talk about it, but they treat you differently.

 

 

He saw him there then. He was waiting for the bus with his bag hanging from his shoulder, with disheveled hair and a red cheek. Hyungwon knew he, himself, looked way worse. He could see the angry look in Hoseok’s eyes as he made his way to save him from his father’s arms.

 

_A fight we cannot win over._

“Hyungwon, tell them what happened!” his father’s voice was loud. Hyungwon felt his blood running cold in his veins. Did he expect from him to tell this lie in front of everybody? In front of _him_?

 

Hyungwon shook his head in denial as he felt everyone’s stares pricking him _._ He could not lie for a second time. He knew it, he had made a grave mistake! _“Can this be over now? Please! Please spare me!”_

 

His throat dried while trying to figure a way out of that unrealistic situation. He needed _him_ in order to think, he lifted his gaze stealthily only to meet the betrayed look in Hoseok’s eyes. Hyungwon then realized he had made a horrible mistake and he could not take his word back.

 

_“Oh God, what have I done? Please forgive me… Forgive me… Forgive me, oh God!”_

 

He burst into tears as the image of a hurt Hoseok was settling in his mind. _“I should tell them! I should get up and grab Hoseok and run away!”_

His father tapped his foot impatiently reminding Hyungwon the pain he had suffered, the bruises that covered his body, the impact of the man’s limps and the feeling they left behind them. He realized he could not say the truth. _“He’ll kill me… He’ll hurt me! I don’t want to be hurt anymore…”_

“He raped me…” he intended this to be louder but his voice broke because of the heaviness of the lie.

 

“Louder son!” his father shouted, “No one heard you!”

 

 _“One person did”_ he thought looking at Hoseok’s face which was now distorted by the pain.

 

“He raped me!” Hyungwon shouted so he wouldn’t have to repeat it yet another time. He was terrified. What if Hoseok was now mad at him?

 

His father’s voice was mumbling something in the distance, Hyungwon could not figure what. He was focused on Hoseok who looked like an abandoned broken toy in the middle of a playground. His gaze was locked on the ground and Hyungwon could see how hard his body was trembling.

 

 _“Hoseok, now is the time! Look at me! We should run! NOW”_ Hyungwon wanted to scream but he couldn’t, words could not escape his throat. If only Hoseok looked at him.

 

He then saw his father landing a painful kick at Hoseok. Hyungwon’s body was nailed on the ground. He realized how big of a coward he was. The thought of his father grabbing him again, paralyzed him.

 

People started taking a few threatening steps closer to Hoseok and the boy suddenly jumped up and ran away. He ran so quickly, Hyungwon did not have time to admire him for one last time. He soon was lost behind the trees and the crowd that ran behind him shouting insulting words.

 

Hyungwon had just realized what running away _together_ meant. It meant his father’s fury would become bigger and bigger. It meant that they would _both_ get hurt. It meant unsteadiness. It meant that _he_ would be forced to abandon _his_ future, which was much more brighter than Hyungwon’s. Hyungwon wanted to leave that place because he knew he would be forced do the same torturing thing every single day of his life. He had not realized that he asked from Hoseok to abandon his warm, cozy home, his student life, his friends.

 

Hoseok was indeed waiting for the bus before Hyungwon and his father arrived. Was he sent back home because his uncles made him? Did he realize that he did not want to live the future that awaited them if they tried to escape together?

 

Hyungwon saw his one last hope distancing himself and disappearing.

 

_“Come back… You forgot about me…”_

 

Hyungwon genuinely thought Hoseok would come back. Even though he was dizzy from getting beaten up, he stayed up waiting for Hoseok.

 

He made up excuses as to why it was taking him that long to come and pick him up. He made excuses for years… for decades. Until he ran out of them, until he was so fed up with his pitiful life and realized that Hoseok had probably foresaw what kind of future awaited for them and tried to escape it.

 

Had Hyungwon had the chance, he would have run away as well.

 

He felt as if his wings were snatched away from his back, they were broken and had taken a sad brown color because of his sins. They were laid out on the floor remaining idle, waiting for Hyungwon to use them.

 

How could he stitch them back in their rightful place without help though? Where would he travel to, even if he had them on? There was not a single place he could call home. Not a single person to receive love from.

 

 

 

Days, weeks, years went by and the only thing he could do was sit back and accept whatever had been happening. He could not react, he could not talk back. He was the weak one after all, the one that had to be saved. He couldn’t save anybody, he couldn’t save himself.

 

Quite a few things happened that convinced him of his idle nature.

 

His father beat his little sister once, sending her to the hospital with a cracked open head. Somewhere between the little hours, her tiny body could not handle the cruelty and gave up. After that his mother died of sickness. After that his older sister ran away from home. After that he got forced to get married. Then he had kids, his oldest brother’s kids. Then his other two brothers got married and left the village. But he remained there next to the last house of the lake, next to his father and oldest brother’s home.

 

When his own son was born he felt something strange, something he had only felt for his late young sister. Oh, and for that other _certain boy_. It was love.

 

But Hyungwon did not know what to do with that feeling. It was as strange to him as a math problem, yet still when he held his kid in his arms he could feel that warmth Hoseok would often talk about.

 

 

Sometimes Hyungwon asked himself if he had truly loved Hoseok or it was just a trick of his mind because the people in the village were dull. Hyungwon tried to convince himself that he had not loved anyone else because he had not met another person since then, but it was futile.

 

He could forgive the other man for abandoning him, because he understood that people had little tolerance for sad creatures like him with a grim future. In the very end Hyungwon figured that he would never be enough. That the things he had to offer to Hoseok were not nearly close to what the other one expected.

 

What he could not handle was that he was left behind in the only place that held their memories.

  
By the time he became 25, Hyungwon had forgotten about the stories Hoseok would narrate, but when he walked by the lake he could get a glimpse of them sitting on the grass and laughing. He could remember the tender, white skin of his that Hyungwon wanted to stroke. How his eyelashes would hold tiny droplets when they got out of the lake. How good his hair look when they were wet. How beautiful _he_ looked when he dozed off.

 

 

And one day _he_ finally came back! Hyungwon thought that it was not too late! Yes he waited for 34 years. God he would wait 50 if he had to! He wanted to make this right! He talked and tried to convince Hoseok that they could still escape together to a great future full of love, because Hyungwon could now understand how it worked. Because he could now work things out and change for Hoseok!

 

But this wasn’t his Hoseok anymore. He wouldn’t try to comfort Hyungwon or ease his mind. This Hoseok would only stare at him bitterly and silently accuse him.

 

This Hoseok could live without Hyungwon in his life since the later was just a minor detail of his childhood, yet Hyungwon’s was just long, torturous waiting of Hoseok’s return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! *ω*

**Author's Note:**

> Magdalen, thank you for finding the right words for the summary and for your support! <3


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